The Georgia Aquarium on Memorial Day weekend tests the limits of the most dedicated Atlanta apologists.
It’s hot. It’s crowded. Two small elevators service the parking deck (we took the stairs). The lines in front of the exhibits are three-people deep. The children terrorize the animals and their parents.
All of this is fine. All of this is understandable.
But what must be addressed, what is absolutely unacceptable, is the 3D singing fish movie.
Its actual name is “Deepo’s Undersea 3D Wondershow.” Its aim was to teach me to care about the environment, particularly the “Undersea.”
I am on Team Fisherman now. Whatever harm mankind has done these fish does not justify the harm these fish did to mankind on Sunday. What happened to me in that 4D movie theater must never happen to anyone again.
The fish sang. They danced. They looked like knock-offs of the characters in “Finding Nemo.”
There were subtle differences. “Finding Nemo” didn’t suck, for example. Also, “Finding Nemo” didn’t make me crave fish sticks.
Deepo is a fish who wants to teach some guy named Billy lessons about why humans should not continue throwing household trash into the sea. So naturally Deepo (who is magic by the way) transforms Billy into a fish and leads him on a 15-minute musical tour through Hell, also known as “Undersea.”
Undersea looks like something a cynical marketer cooked up at the end of a three-day bender. “Yeah, a singing version of ‘Finding Nemo!’ That’ll make the little booger-munchers happy.”
Here’s the budget breakdown for this movie:
A couple of things about this movie jumped out at me, aside from the fish jumping out of the wa … wait a second! We weren’t in the ocean! Those were 3D special effects coupled with the best 4D technology 2005 had to offer! Nothing makes me feel like I’m under the sea more than a cold gust of air up my shorts while someone sprinkles water on me.
Aside from the compelling 3D and 4D effects, the movie was a bit of a letdown.
Deepo, you have magic powers! Why would you need to shrink Billy and convince him to save you? You could just turn all of the fishermen and polluters into fish and then have the Singing Shark eat them. Chomp. Problem solved.
For this plot to even make sense, Deepo would have to be the dumbest fish in the world or Satan.
Neither possibility is comforting.
Speaking of the Singing Shark, I will say I thought Ted Turner did an admirable job in this role. I kept rooting for the shark to give this movie a happy ending by eating Deepo before he revealed himself as the Antichristfish. Alas, Deepo survives.
Frankly, bunches of fish who can stage elaborate musical numbers don’t need help from anyone. They need to be stopped.
I was also offended by the use of the Aretha Franklin song at the end. That beautiful slice of 60s soul music will now be forever tarnished by its affiliation with a turtle named Sally the Singing Stereotype.
After Sally ended her song, the word “Think” flashed on screen. That was the part of the movie I found most offensive. It’s not fair for a movie to literally wither your brain cells for 15 minutes and end by asking you to think. That’s like breaking a man’s legs and asking him to run.
My friends brought me to this atrocity because they thought their 2-year-old daughter would enjoy it. When the lights came on and I had finished pulling my wadded up Aquarium tickets out of my ears, the toddler was gone.
She said she had gotten scared. Her dad had removed her from the theater two merciful minutes into this movie.
I wish I had thought of that.