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Damn you, Isaac Newton!

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Damn you, Isaac Newton!

Isaac Newton isn't going to tell you again so you best come off that first draft of Principia.

Isaac Newton isn’t going to tell you again so you best come off that first draft of Principia.

One day Isaac Newton, a man so brilliant he had to partially lobotomize himself just so he could stand the company of others, was sitting beneath a tree.

That date of that day wasn’t written down, but it’s safe to assume it was before he died in 1727. This would put him well ahead of U.S. President George Washington’s inspiring act of honesty/environmental terrorism known as the “Cherry Tree Incident.”

So using fruit in your branding campaigns definitely wasn’t Washington’s idea.

It was Newton’s, because he was smart enough to be born earlier than Washington. So anyway, Newton was sitting beneath the tree and contemplating how he could build a rocket ship to launch himself into the heavens, gazing upon our stupidity from a safe distance.

Newton, having outsmarted all of mankind but wishing he hadn’t lobotomized himself before he finished the rocket ship, felt a thump on his head. At first he thought it was one of his profound thoughts trying to escape and form a second, more powerful Newton. It turns out it was an apple.

So Newton got to thinking. Wonder why that apple fell off the tree and hit me on the head? Is it jealous of my superior intellect? No, no, that can’t be it … I mean, nay, nay that can’t be it. I bet this apple was trying to tell me something really awesome. But what? Did it have something to do with that awesome math problem that I totally solved with my godmind? Cause I’m awesome at math. Could it be that I don’t eat enough apples? That’s probably true, but the apple could’ve thought of a more diplomatic way to say it. But, then again, apples aren’t good at diplomacy. Maybe … Oh wait … holy crap, people.

Newton had realized that apples would be a great way to sell his Theory of Gravity. A competent lobbyist hired by Newton was eventually able to convince Congress pass the Law of Gravity. The Law of Gravity was later repealed when Congress passed legislation allowing public schools to teach Intelligent Design.

I cannot tell a lie. That tree was like that when I got here.

I cannot tell a lie. That tree was like that when I got here.

Newton was later reincarnated as Steve Jobs and it only made sense that he would brand his computers with the image of an apple.

The Apple logo was also a middle finger directed at George Washington, reincarnated as Bill Gates.

Washington has reincarnated himself throughout history to make lame rip-offs of Newton’s ideas. Newton had apples, Washington had cherry trees. Jobs creates iPad, Gates creates thing that looks like iPad but isn’t an iPad because it periodically teaches you about basic aspects of personal hygiene.

I assume the ultimate goal of the Apple branding effort was to make us realize that people who are smarter than we are have it all taken care of. We should relax, watch football, play the iPod and drink some brain-cell murdering beer.

This is known as Newton-Jobs Law of Universal Contempt for the Sanity of Mankind.

Over the course of our voluntary subservience to the reincarnated Newton, we’ve grown tolerant of his contempt for us. I have no way to prove that iTunes is part of an experiment to prove that humans would walk off a cliff if you told them there was an iMac at the bottom, but I’m reasonably certain that it is.

You have to look at the signs:

1) Starting iTunes is part of a summoning ritual that needs to be performed simultaneously across the globe at all times. This ritual gives sustenance to Newton’s next reincarnated form.

2) Obtaining an MacBook Pro requires a Level 20 Paladin wielding a Vorpal Sword blessed by a priest.

As each new iTunes interface becomes more and more confusing, the people of earth will be too busy unraveling its secrets to notice that the next reincarnation of Newton-Jobs has arisen, much stronger than before.

The end time is nigh. It will have a hip marketing campaign set to popular music. It will suck, and we will buy it. We are caught in the perpetual Chinese finger trap of hating something to the point of delusion and needing some sweet tunes for my jog.