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Off-the-grid living: your guide

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Off-the-grid living: your guide


Americans aren’t really into sharing things with the government. Most of our time is spent avoiding things like red tape, taxes and the draft.

So how did we feel when a British newspaper told us Uncle Sam makes a habit of perusing our phone records?

With our typical measured restraint, devoid of any hyperbole or hysterics, of course.

Can’t blame us.

There was very little any of us could do about it besides starting fires for insurance money in order to throw the government off our trail. Until now!

Fear not, my paranoid friends. After extensive research I have developed this comprehensive guide to moving off grid.

1) Meet your new bank: the check cashing place.

Eliminating the snail slime of your electronic trail begins with how you interact with our economy. Much of our money today exists as information contained on plastic cards. The information on those cards cards, including the stuff about the adult paraphernalia you purchase with them, is indexed, stored and transmitted over the internet to the NSA’s Self-righteous Judgment Division.

Don’t give those nosy perverts the satisfaction! Withdraw your money from traditional bank accounts and store it in the bunker I assume you have. Now that your savings account is in order, it’s time to open your checking account with a reputable payday lender.

While the check cashing place will in most cases be within walking distance of a liquor store, it can still be a bit of a hassle. The extra cash in your pocket will make you an easy target for crime. Luckily for you, there’s a simple and elegant solution to this problem.

2) Buy a gun.

Guns are sexy. Guns kill things quickly. Guns command respect from all people who mean you harm. Most importantly, guns are good at firing bullets.

Once you’ve fended off your first few attackers, your enemies will adapt. Luckily for you, there’s a simple and elegant solution to this problem.

3) Buy a bigger gun.

Now that your enemy has adapted to your use of guns, it’s time to turn the tables. Meet the gun-wielding criminal’s worst nightmare: the gun-wielding hero with the bigger gun.

This gun isn’t the standard nerd gun you’ve been carrying. This new gun is twice as sexy, kills things before they even become things, and will cause those who mean you harm to construct golden idols bearing your likeness.

There isn’t much criminals can do about the bigger gun. You’ve got that problem licked, sir. But other challenges await.

It’s important to eat.

4) Learn to farm.

Now that you’ve cut off your electronic transactions from Spying McSnoopy’s Big Government Surveillance Warehouse, it’s time to get serious. Every gallon of milk you buy sends a signal back to the government that helps pencil-pushers in Washington calculate farm subsidies. Michelle Obama is directly notified about every head of broccoli you purchase.

Knowing that people in government care about my well being gives me the creeps.

My advice: Buy yourself a whole warehouse full of Monsanto-patented seeds and another warehouse full of Monsanto-patented pesticide and start humming the theme to “Green Acres.” You’re a farmer.

Now that you’re growing your own food, it’s time to think about longer-term planning. You need to consider …

5) Buying gold.

Glenn Beck’s relentless advertiser-supported fear-mongering has never steered us wrong.

When the inevitable Information Wars conclude and the dust settles, who will be the smug bastard sitting on all those shiny bricks of awesome? That will be you, sir.

Once you buy the gold, you can crawl inside that bunker, watch Netflix and wait for the Great Robot Armies to conclude their Cybergeddon. You’ll need to spend some time working on your sales pitch to convince people your gold-hoarding skills make you the perfect candidate to lead mankind’s rebuilding effort. You’ll also need to assure them you’re not some dragon who has taken a human form.

Try the following:

“If you’re so smart, why aren’t you in this bunker feasting on MRE’s?”

“Oh, you’re hungry? Guess you should’ve learned to farm. Lucky for you, in addition to having lots of gold, I am also a farmer.”

“Oh, so you’re a cyborg with buzz saws for hands? How intimidating. My bigger gun and I are quite scared.”

Remember, practice makes perfect. If you don’t succeed at first yell, “Look over there!” to distract the cyborg while you shut the bunker door. Then wait for a cyborg of lesser intelligence to come calling.


Still worried? Don’t be. The government is aware of all your fears and the FDA is expediting approval of a drug that will make all bad news sound like the Carpenters Greatest Hits album.

You’re welcome.