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Freedom-loving patriot kicks crime in the balls

Decaturish updates

Freedom-loving patriot kicks crime in the balls

"The Kick" depicts one hipster's brave stand against douchebaggery.

“The Kick” depicts one hipster’s brave stand against douchebaggery.

It’s a shame Decatur has cancelled its Independence Day festivities due to threat of a Biblical deluge.

But Decatur’s leaders are people of vision. When I first heard that they rescheduled the Independence Day event to Sept. 28, I assumed it was because the city’s schedule is slap full of awesome activities every Saturday before it. A look at the calendar told me that something more significant must be going on here.

Why choose a seemingly arbitrary Saturday almost three months from July 4? July 6 is free. If you’re actually still in Atlanta on July 4, it’s safe to assume you’re probably going to be around the following Saturday.

Even more perplexing is choosing a Saturday that’s in the thick of the College Football schedule! Football fans get pretty annoyed when you’re inconsiderate enough to schedule your wedding, child’s birthday party or aunt’s funeral on a fall Saturday.

Now you’re asking me to choose between my love of America and watching Georgia vs. LSU.

You’re puttin’ me in a bad spot here, Decatur.

Now I assume you’ve got an entirely valid reason for doing this inexplicable bit of calendar shuffling. If I had to place bets, I’d wager the rescheduled event will pay homage to this nut-kicking hero.

We will all finally know the true identity of the man from Oakhurst who stood up for hipster laptop owners everywhere. According to the Patch story, the would-be victim was sitting in his front yard and typing away on his computer. He was completing the novel he is writing that’s so awesome that he isn’t even going to bother showing it to you because you probably wouldn’t get it.

A couple of robbers, who are too lazy to get a job or write their own incomprehensible novel, attempted to steal the writer’s laptop.

One of the robbers approached the hipster novelist while he was completing the last mind-blowing chapter of a book that will make “Catcher in the Rye” look like illiterate bathroom scrawl.

“Give me the laptop,” the robber said.

“F*!& you,” the paradigm-changing novelist replied.

The robber fired a gun down the street in order to reinforce the awesomeness of guns. The novelist ran to his house so he could change his underwear.

The robber followed, and that’s when it happened.

The hipster hero grabbed a beer bottle, smacked his attacker in the face with it and then kicked him in the balls.

The city has no doubt commissioned a painting commemorating the event that it will unveil on Sept. 28. “The Kick” will live forever in Decatur lore and the story it tells will be recounted to countless generations of school children.

This is not to discredit the iPhone-saving heroics of the three women robbed in Oakhurst Park on July 2.

Criminals in Oakhurst-Decatur have learned that residents here don’t put up with their bullshit, particularly if it involves taking things we probably haven’t paid off yet.

But the sentiment needs an iconic moment, something that captures the essence of Decatur’s disdain for crime.

Nothing says it quite like a foot planted square in the nuts of the enemy.

Take that, crime.

And while we’re on the subject of crime, I have to say it’s next to impossible to find decent information about the crime rate in Decatur. The most recent data I’ve found goes back to 2011. The city’s police department has outsourced its crime reporting to a third-party website.

The website gives you scant information and no basis for comparison. Is the city unable to post the same data it gives to the press? Can it not post its annual Uniform Crime Statistics on its website?

The city of Decatur’s most recent annual report for its police department – most recent published report anyway – is for 2011. While that’s hardly ancient history, it’s also a bit harder to draw conclusions about the current situation in Oakhurst.

Is this just a bunch of kids who are out of school and looking for trouble? Or is it part of a worrisome trend? The 2011 document was created in May 2012. It’s July 2013. We’re about due for the report on 2012 numbers, I think.

I think the city should go ahead and post the police department’s 2012 annual report. We’ll all be indoors July 4. It’ll make for excellent reading.