I watched many hours of the college kicky punts on Saturday and I have much to discuss. My observations.
1) Pawl. Pawl. I want to talk about the Tide, Pawl. Frankly, I had a gut feeling we would lose to A&M and I’m ashamed that I ever doubted my beloved Tide. They Rocked and/or Rolled for the majority of the game, despite starting out in a 14-point hole. This morning, instead of basking in the glow of hanging 49 points on the No. 6 team in the country, I’m listening to a parade of Bama fans bitch about the defense.
Complain if you want, but do so with the caveat that Johnny Football is a flat-out freak of nature. He could make one-handed passes while blindfolded, hopping around on one foot and juggling knives in his free hand. He pops around that field like Nightcrawler. He threw for 464 yards. He might be a show-boating tool, but that guy backs it up on the field. Were it not for a few interceptions, this would be a very different conversation.
But we won! Also, during the party some dude jumped up and hit the ceiling fan with the top of his beer bottle, jamming it into his nose, causing him to spew blood all over the living room like we were in a Quentin Tarantino movie. This is what happened to my wife’s purse.
2) I don’t much care for Auburn. So this other team in Alabama beat some team from Mississippi no one has ever heard of. This team thinks it can beat our team, and one year they got tired of losing to us so much that they traveled to the future, purchased a Terminator robot and brought him back to the past to defeat us. CamBot 5000 returned to his own time where he currently plays for the Panthers and specializes in sulking on benches.
Auburn had its first SEC win in eleventy billion years, or something. The sporting thing to do would be to congratulate Auburn on its long sought after win.
I don’t much care for Auburn, though.
3) Oregon apparently thinks beating Tennessee is a significant achievement. I admire the ambition behind your drunken boasts about wanting to play Alabama, but I don’t think you’ve looked at Tennessee in the last three or four years. You don’t beat up Urkel and automatically assume you can beat up Bruce Lee. Doesn’t quite work that way, fellas. But you can sign yourselves up for that arse kicking if you want to. Just let us finish moving this death star through what remains of our schedule first.
4) Totally unrelated. My wife is watching a documentary on the timeline of “Kingdom Hearts.” The narrator said the series creators went to great lengths to establish a consistent and coherent timeline. I think the narrator and I have completely different ideas about what that means.
5) Ole Miss beat Texas in a hillbilly thumping that saved one lucky janitor from having to sweep up whiskey bottles. My favorite part, though? Watching the game on the ESPN-Texas Love Boat known as the Longhorn Network. Nothing like watching Ole Miss beat the raging dumpster fire known as Texas football while taking occasional breaks to watch commercials about how awesome Texas is. Karma. It’s not just for chameleons.
6) Steve Spurrier needs to quit whining about sports columnists. It’s hard for me to take your program seriously when you are all butt-hurt over some sports columnist you don’t like at the local newspaper. Don’t you make enough money to run a small country? Get over yourself, coach. You can’t end a press conference like Nick Saban anyway. You’re not short enough for it to be funny.
Hope you all had a good weekend. I was lucky to be surrounded by great friends and finished off Bama’s victory by holding an impromptu dance party set to Daft Punk. I also ate so much smoked pork I nearly died.