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Do pet blessings include cat exorcisms?

Decaturish updates

Do pet blessings include cat exorcisms?


We’re all serious journalists here at Decaturish, but we’re also realistic.

You internet people love pet pictures, especially pictures of cats. The internet was orchestrated as part of a feline conspiracy to enslave us.

So when I heard that Columbia Presbyterian Church in Decatur is doing a pet blessing on Saturday, two words instantly popped into my head: click bait.

I asked the church if it would be OK for me to stop by on Saturday. I actually am interested in seeing if they’ll exorcise my cat, Donovan, a lovable and cuddly critter who is also the spawn of Lucifer.

If you ever doubt this, I have several interesting scratch marks I’d like to show you. His habit of leaping onto my groin while I’m asleep is particularly worrisome.

A couple of years ago, I bought a do-it-yourself exorcism kit – which involved snakes, incense and a bag of old french fry grease for some reason – and tried to pry Satan’s fingers from my cat’s soul.

Me: Begone, Satan! I rebuke you.  Donovan: My person's breath smells like people food.

Me: Begone, Satan! I rebuke you.
Donovan: My person’s breath smells like people food.

As you can see, my cat’s ailment is beyond my abilities. I need a professional.

The church sent me the sweetest reply note, too, and said I am welcome to bring my cat along. I told them I was kidding about the exorcism idea, but that’s only partially true. I hope having a professional clergyman throw a blessing on Kitty the Hut here will be enough to convince Satan that there’s a way cooler dog down the street in need of a Biblical affliction.

The person who responded, Andrea, gave me the nicest PR pitch I’ve ever heard. “Hope, you will post our Pet Blessing and your photos on your website.”

Oh I can, and I will. Lord, if you are hearing this prayer, please let someone bring a basket full of kittens and/or a basket full of puppies.

The trap is being set. The click bait is on its way.