We’re all serious journalists here at Decaturish, but we’re also realistic.

You internet people love pet pictures, especially pictures of cats. The internet was orchestrated as part of a feline conspiracy to enslave us.

So when I heard that Columbia Presbyterian Church in Decatur is doing a pet blessing on Saturday, two words instantly popped into my head: click bait.

I asked the church if it would be OK for me to stop by on Saturday. I actually am interested in seeing if they’ll exorcise my cat, Donovan, a lovable and cuddly critter who is also the spawn of Lucifer.

If you ever doubt this, I have several interesting scratch marks I’d like to show you. His habit of leaping onto my groin while I’m asleep is particularly worrisome.

A couple of years ago, I bought a do-it-yourself exorcism kit – which involved snakes, incense and a bag of old french fry grease for some reason – and tried to pry Satan’s fingers from my cat’s soul.

Me: Begone, Satan! I rebuke you.
Donovan: My person’s breath smells like people food.

As you can see, my cat’s ailment is beyond my abilities. I need a professional.

The church sent me the sweetest reply note, too, and said I am welcome to bring my cat along. I told them I was kidding about the exorcism idea, but that’s only partially true. I hope having a professional clergyman throw a blessing on Kitty the Hut here will be enough to convince Satan that there’s a way cooler dog down the street in need of a Biblical affliction.

The person who responded, Andrea, gave me the nicest PR pitch I’ve ever heard. “Hope, you will post our Pet Blessing and your photos on your website.”

Oh I can, and I will. Lord, if you are hearing this prayer, please let someone bring a basket full of kittens and/or a basket full of puppies.

The trap is being set. The click bait is on its way.