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Derp Dynasty


Derp Dynasty

This man gives zero shits.

This man gives zero shits.

Ok, seriously, who the hell is this dude?

I see him on cookie tins at Walmart. I see him on Facebook. All the hell over my Facebook.

Is he like a hunter? Or a catfish wrestler? And why is he making so many of my friends act like they’re Constitutional scholars?

I did some research. Apparently his name is Phil Robertson and he’s a reality television star. At first I thought that meant he was sleeping with somebody famous, but he actually sells duck calls. I don’t watch this show, or much TV in general. Based on what the internet tells me, that makes me an out of touch liberal elitist who hates Jesus.

Robertson gave an interview to GQ magazine and said all sorts of things liberal elitists like myself hate. Being gay is a sin, he says. He says the blacks he knew growing up in the South were always “singing and happy.” He used the word “anus.” Anus.

The A&E channel has suspended Robertson, which will send those cookie tins flying off the shelves I’m sure.

The Left wants me to be outraged about this. I mean, this guy has opinions that I don’t agree with. His boss got pissed off at him and cut him loose. That’s about where my level of interest ends.

Am I supposed to continue caring about this? Because I am tired of these exhausting liberal outrages of the month.

I can’t eat chicken sandwiches anymore. Can’t donate any of my extra shit to the Salvation Army. I mean, technically I’m not even supposed to pee. Have you ever looked up a list of ongoing boycotts? What the hell am I supposed to do, live in a bubble?

Several of my wiser friends have suggested, and I tend to agree, that this was a pretty shameless PR stunt designed to move product. Christmas is next week, after all.

The Left almost never fails to take the bait, though. When Sarah Palin gets involved, that’s when you know you have been pro-trolled.

I love my gay friends. I think racism sucks. I try to show support and solidarity, all that stuff. But y’all have got to set a yearly limit or something. If Louisiana can limit the number of ducks per year that these hillbillies can lure to their untimely deaths, surely we can cap the number of manufactured controversies.

Personally, I suggest a temporary boycott of all boycotts. That’ll show ’em.