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Editor’s note: The author of this editor is using a pseudonym, but his identity is known to the editor. 

Dear Decaturish:

The current situation is without a doubt one for the will-be dustiest of history books. As a community, we have encountered various strife, a litany of hardship, and a plethora of difficulties, the likes of which has summoned forth a reckoning that none of us were ever prepared for. Whether you’re a teacher, a parent, a student, or an administrator, school in our town has been a whirlwind of emotions and confusion.

This is certainly a tough time for our community. We are torn between returning to the undoubtedly valuable in-person learning model and the undeniable safety of the virtual learning model. I am not here to make a judgment call on that, but I will say both sides have been making some excellent points. Still, at the end of the day, we are a unified, strong, and holistic community. Our schools must therefore visually demonstrate those essential elements of cohesion and perseverance. Thus, this humble Decatur resident declares that the mascots of each school need to unite.

I propose that the district unifies all of the mascots they have into a single mega-mascot, a fantastical beast composed of myriad parts of all of the individual animals: the Decamanticoreberus (a triple portmanteau of Decatur, Manticore, and Cerberus). Since three of the mascots are dogs, this resident believes that the noble creature should take inspiration from the equally noble cerberus, and have three bulldog heads, representing Clairmont, Renfroe and DHS. Next, the dog heads should possess the piercing eyes of an owl to represent Oakhurst, along with chicken wattles under each chin to represent College Heights. To help visualize this, imagine a bulldog that has three heads bespectacled with the eyes of an owl, featuring three distinct, separate wattles under each head. Still with me? I thought so.

Winnona Park and Talley both have some kind of tiger, so clearly the animal’s body must consist of both that of a white tiger and that of a bengal tiger. I am envisioning a majestic swirl or mystifying tie-dye patterns, but I will leave the pleasures of determining the coloration up to the discretion of Dr. Dude. It is also important for it to be very muscular. There is no way the community will budge on that. It must be muscular. This demonstrates the unrepentant mightiness of our great city.

To represent Glennwood, obviously the creature must have the massive wings of an eagle, and also embody patriotism in the same way an eagle does. I am not familiar with any clear ways to represent American patriotism, so I will again leave that up to Dr. Dude. Its legs shall be that of a hawk’s, sort of like the mythical gryphon, but much cooler; this will represent Fifth Ave. Lastly, we have the Westchester fox. Foxes have big tails, and that’s easily the most characteristic thing about them. Therefore, the feet of the beast shall resemble the paws of a fox. We can throw some whiskers on for good measure, but the whiskers must be fox-like such that the people of our neighboring cities do not misattribute them to the cat-like mascot whiskers of nearby cities, such as Dunwoody.

This will not only unify the district under a single, unique, and stunningly easily identified portfolio, but it will also save a tremendous amount of money and reduce cognitive labor. All of the schools can freely dispose of their merchandise with their beloved and historic mascots in order to adopt the new Frankensteinish brute that the district has stitched together, with the only difference between their gear being the name of the school! As well, we can manually disassemble the fursuits of the mascots in order to take bits and pieces from them to make a single costume that is shared between the schools. If a new school is created, they need not worry about what the mascot could be. They can simply adopt the universally beloved Decamanticoreberus. They need not succumb to the tyranny of individuality. It’s a win, win, win. You can hear our community’s children joyously shouting “Go, Decamanticoreberi!” at our sporting events already!

I urge the board to consider this approach.

I have taken the initiative and commissioned a professional artist to create a mock-up of our new best friend, Decky, and included it in this article for your viewing pleasure. It cost me $500, which I am sure the school board will reimburse. I believe it is nearly perfect, but could use some shading work. I hope that it will reignite the alliance our otherwise jaw dropping school district so desperately needs

Dutifully,

– Eugene Footrest

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